


Suicide [Love] Note

by Zoe13



Series: Love Notes [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, Self Harm, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-02-09 15:16:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 16,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1987686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum and Ashton come up with a New Year's idea that leads to a year long suicide note from Michael and a year long love note from Luke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. January

"Happy New Year!" Ashton screamed in Michael's ear. Michael turned and glared at him, frustrated.

"Ashton, it's three in the afternoon!"

"On January first," Ashton said, grinning from ear to ear. He was wearing a party hat and he pulled some confetti out of nowhere and showered it on Michael's head. Michael scowled at the glitter stars and paper.

"Let him be, Ash," Luke said, smiling, and Michael relaxed a bit, scooting closer to Luke on the couch. Calum was asleep on Ashton's other side, magically enough.

_Not for long, though,_ Michael thought as Ashton got bored and slapped Calum in the face. Calum, however, barely moved.

"Calum! Michael's burning your favorite bass!" Ashton shouted. Calum flew off the couch but Michael figured it was more surprise than him actually believing Ashton.

"You're covered in glitter," Luke giggled to Michael as Calum tackled Ashton to the floor. Michael pouted and Luke brushed the glitter off of his shoulder. He moved his hand up and wiped some off of his nose and Michael grinned at him like an idiot.

_Stop it_ , he told himself as Luke brushed off his hair. He suddenly felt disgusted with himself and he turned away to watch Ashton and Calum, but Luke snuggled into his side, determined in be in close contact with him.

"So," Calum said, plopping onto the couch, "Ashton and I have an idea."

Ashton sat on his lap and Luke waggled his eyebrows at the pair. Michael raised one of his own as Ashton actually blushed. 

"What's this idea?" Michael asked, clearing his throat.

"We thought it would be fun if, starting this month, we picked someone in the band and wrote a long letter to them once a month until next year, when we would give them all of the letters."

"What would be the point of that?" Michael asked, trying to ignore Luke nuzzling into his neck with his nose. 

"We tell each other a lot of funny things we think, but not really the serious things," Calum explained. Michael didn't ask why he was explaining it to the back of Ashton's head. "We could get insight on each other's lives even more."

"And," Ashton said, "it would be fun to look back on a month's time and sum it up."

Luke pulled away from Michael's neck. "I wanna do it!" He said, and Michael sighed because that meant that he'd be doing it too.

"Okay, who're you two writing to?" He asked. 

"Calum!" Ashton shouted at the same time Calum said "Ashton!"

"Guess it's you and me," Luke beamed at Michael.

"Yeah," Michael smiled weakly, "I guess so."

_Great_.

 _______

_January-_

_Hey. I guess I should just be up front about this, so here goes: I don't plan to live past the end of this year. I suppose you already know that, though, since you won't get this until then. It's hard to say why when there's really a mash up of things: the fact that I really don't belong in this band but leaving would break my heart, the fact that I'm just a worthless freak anyway, and the fact that I have the world's biggest, most embarrassing crush on you._

_Seriously. I embarrass myself whenever you're around. I don't know how you've put up with me so long. I can't really compare to you three in talent, looks, or personality. Or intelligence._

_This letter is so illogical. And this idea was fucking stupid. You're going to hate me so much by the time I'm gone._

_Fucking Cashton._

_With love,_

_Michael_

_________

_January-_

_People tell me I'm good with words but I've started this letter a million times and not gotten anywhere, and so I'm determined to make this the final copy._

_Anyway, I've got something to tell you and I seriously have no idea if you'll like or hate it (or me for that matter) so here goes: I like you. A lot. And not like a friend, if you hadn't figured that out yet. I just find you so funny, and smart, and_ attractive _, and you're so talented with music. Seriously. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but I can't help it._

_There. Out comes my deepest, darkest secret. My hands are shaking just writing this even though I know you won't read it for a year. Now that I've decided that I want you to know, a year seems so long to wait for you to actually find out._

_I hope this isn't awkward._

_love,_

_Luke_

_P.S. I hope you do ;)_


	2. February

Michael frowned as Luke wedged himself between Ashton and Calum instead of sitting next to him. It would have been more comfortable and Luke always tried to sit with him if he could anyway. He'd sort of avoided Michael all month and Michael figured he should be fine with it since it would make things easier at the end of the year, but he wanted to see Luke as much as possible until then. And, yes, Calum and Ashton. They were all his best friends, no matter who he had a stupid crush on or how long he was going to be around.

Luke gave Michael a guilty look when he thought he wasn't looking and he wondered if the other boy realized that Michael was spending a lot of time alone, what with Calum and Ashton acting weird and being best buddies and Luke ignoring him.

"So what are your plans for the end of the year, Michael?" Ashton asked, and Michael started, worried that they'd seen through him. Luke gave him a funny look and he leaned back, relaxing his features.

"What?" He asked as calmly as he could.

"Ash is just super excited about us all giving each other our letters," Calum teased, poking Ashton in the ribs.

"I'm an excitable person!" Ashton complained. "Don't judge me!"

"Have you written your second one yet?" Calum asked Luke.

Luke blushed, ducking his head. "No..."

"That's alright," Michael said. "I'm used to being forgotten." They laughed with him and it stung a little even though he was the one who'd said it. They didn't know, it was alright.

_______

_February-_

_This month has been so hard. Why are you avoiding me? You won't look me in the eye anymore. Did I do something wrong?_

_I guess you finally figured out that I'm not all that great. I mean, I've been really mean to you in the past and I'm just . . . Well, me. Okay, I get it._

_God, I miss you though. I never realized how much I rely on you, how even one touch from you helps keep me grounded. I'm such a fucking sap- you're probably disgusted by all of this._

_I've lost five pounds but you can barely tell. It's not nearly enough. My thighs look awful- they're covered in cuts- but I can't help it, can't help going back and making the thin, red lines. Some of them are white now; they're really old._

_Why am I telling you this? You shouldn't even care! I hope you don't care, I hope you hate me._

_Except- god, I really hope you do care. I wish-_

_Well, I wish a lot of things that aren't going to happen._

_yours truly,_

_Michael_

_________

_February-_

_I'm sorry. I know I've been avoiding you and I swear I've decided to stop. It's just that I hadn't ever told anyone that I like you. I hadn't even written it down. And I sort of freaked. I want you to  know but at the same time I'm terrified. I'm so, so sorry._

_I'll make it up to you. I didn't realize how much I need you around. I don't know what I would do if you ever weren't around- I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I would probably just wander around aimlessly._

_I'm also scared because I've never liked someone this much before and it's really hard. I don't even know if you're straight, gay, or bi, but it's not like I'm gonna ask. That would be a little suspicious._

_I just realized I haven't summed up this month or the last. I don't know- it was really full of me being a coward?_

_God, I've missed you. You know what? I'm gonna wind up this letter and go cuddle with you because I really need it. I hope you do too because I'm a really codependent person._

_I know, I know: you've been telling me that for years._

_Love,_

_Luke_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you guys think I was totally batshit crazy if I said that I genuinely believe that Clemmings is real? I don't want to turn it into another Larry Stylinson blow up, but...idk man. I was almost convinced as then I saw 'the kiss video' and I just. Yeah. Soooooo.  
> Thanks for all the comments! They mean so much to me and are a great inspiration.


	3. March

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight trigger warning

Michael caught himself feeling almost . . . _content_ as Luke leaned his back against his shoulder and pulled out his phone. He basked in the warmth and smell of the younger boy, feeling comforted. The four of them were sitting in Calum and Ashton's hotel room once again but they weren't really talking, just sitting in companionable silence. 

"We usually go out a lot," Ashton commented, voicing Michael's thoughts.

"Yeah, but I like to just sit here with you . . . three," Calum said, tacking the 'three' on last minute. Ashton sent him an almost shy smile and Michael nearly rolled his eyes. Luke sighed and turned, setting his phone down and leaning his head on Michael's shoulder.

"Something wrong?" Michael asked him quietly. Luke turned and smiled at him before burying his face in his neck. 

"Just happy," he mumbled, and Michael couldn't stop the stupid smile from spreading onto his face.

 _Stop it, you're being an idiot,_ he told himself. _You're a waste of space, remember?_

"What was that?" Calum teased Luke and the youngest boy pulled away, grinning.

"Nothing, Cal."

"Is there something I need to know about?" Ashton asked, waggling his eyebrows.

"Not from us," Luke said. "What about you two?"

Ashton and Calum burst out laughing awkwardly and stared spluttering. Michael normally would have found it funny, but -and he knew was being illogical- Luke's complete denial of anything like that had hurt. 

 _Told you_ , the voice in his head said. _You knew he could never like you the way you like him._

He excused himself soon after and cried himself to sleep, feeling like a pathetic mess.

_________

Michaelleaned over his thighs, watching the blood run down the sides from the little cuts he'd made. He'd made them deeper today but he didn't know why. It was just another of the usual shit days. He'd hung out with his best friends, two of whom were in denial about liking each other and one of whom he had the biggest crush on but could never have. Then they'd had a show that Michael could barely even remember because he hadn't cut that morning and was having trouble concentrating. Fortunately he knew their songs like the back of his hand. Finally, they'd had a signing where lots of girls were excited to meet them but some had made fun of him and one had even told him to kill himself. He just smiled bitterly at her, promising in his head that he was going to eventually, and held it in, not mentioning the incident to the other boys.

He got that stuff more than the other three. He knew that because they were surprised enough to mention it when they got it. Michael, however, got that kind of attitude from at least one person at almost every signing and had gotten used to it enough that he didn't mention it unless the other boys did, and that was just to keep from being suspicious. He didn't want them to even think about him killing himself.

A knock sounded on the bathroom door and he jerked back to reality, wiping his leg clean and covering it with gauze he'd already laid out. When he opened the door, he wasn't surprised to see Ashton as they were sharing a room that night. He walked past him into the bedroom. 

"Michael? Why is there blood on the floor?"

 _Shit_. Michael reached into his pocket and slit his index finger on the razor he'd hastily shoved in there. 

"Cut my finger on something," he said, turning and holding it out for Ashton to see. A drop of blood trickled toward his palm and Ashton cringed

"That looks painful, mate, you should clean it."

"I will when you're finished," Michael said. Ashton nodded and shut the bathroom door, and Michael collapsed onto his bed, his heart racing.

_______

_March-_

_I don't know why you're suddenly so close to me again but I'm scared to question it. I wish you'd tell me what happened, though. Maybe you've said in your letters._

_I_ _just realized that I'm never gonna read your letters. Do they show a side of you that none of us has ever seen? Or are they just ridiculously (wonderfully)_ you _? I'm going to miss you, but I've made up my mind about this. It's the best for all of you too._

_Ashton almost caught me after cutting today. There was blood on the floor but I slit my finger and told him that I'd accidentally cut it somehow. I feel horrible lying to you all, but would you really want to know the truth?_

_Being around you is better than cutting but it hurts too because of what I'm going to leave behind and what could never happen._

_I love your eyes, Luke. I know it's random but I just do. But I can't look at them anymore because I feel guilty which is ridiculous because I'll be doing the right thing, right? People keep telling me that I should end it, that I should kill myself. It hurts, even though they're right. Especially_ because _they're right._

_So that's been my month. I hope yours has been amazing._

_love,_

_Michael_

_________

_March-_

_I've been closer with you lately than I was before I avoided you and you haven't even questioned it- you've just let me hug you extra and sit next to you all the time and all that. You're such an amazing person- I would have been so angry. I'm still so sorry._

_Ashton and Calum need a good long talk with each other. I feel like I'm watching an awkward dance in which two partners get as close to each other as they can without actually touching each other. It's really weird. But also kind of adorable. I'm really rather jealous because I think they're going to figure it out soon and for some reason I'm waiting until next year to let you know how I feel. God, I hope you feel the same way. I want to give you my letters at midnight on New Year's Eve. Maybe that sounds pathetic but I thought it would be appropriate seeing as we write these letters on the last day of the month._

_If you don't feel the same, don't worry about it. We'll be fine, right? We're best friends._

_love,_

_Luke_


	4. April

Michael sat on the couch forlornly. He'd come home for their break to see his mum but she was busy almost the entire time. They'd taken a month long break before a grueling tour with One Direction (once again) and the three other boys were all busy. Luke and his family were spending some time in Ireland (something about rolling green hills) and Ashton and Calum were being AshtonandCalum or just plain Cashton.

Michael missed them, even though it had only been two weeks. Nothing seemed fun without at least one of the boys with him, and so he hid in his mother's house and wished that Calum and Ashton would come back from America or Luke would come back from Ireland.

Michael's phone rang and he flew off of the couch and stumbled over to it, reading the caller ID. 

" _Hey_ ," Luke's voice came through the phone and Michael sat on the floor, gripping the phone tightly. 

"Hey- hi," Michael answered intelligently, and Luke giggled. Michael loved that sound. "What's up?"

" _I was just wondering how your break is_ ," Luke said. Michael fell silent.

"Uhm, uneventful," he settled with. 

" _Sounds nice_ ," Luke said. Michael heard him shifting around and wondered what he was doing.

"Not really," he'd said before he could stop himself.

" _What_?" Luke almost sounded worried. " _What's wrong with it?_ "

"I just miss you guys. It's fine- not a big deal. I'll see you in two weeks."

" _Michael_..." Luke sounded exasperated.

"I'm _fine_ ," Michael said. 

" _Well, I miss you too. I'm having fun with my family, but it feels weird without you around. Er, all three of you, I mean_."

"Just don't think about it," Michael suggested. "Focus on your family. It's gonna be a while before you see them again."

" _That's true_ ," Luke sighed. " _I'd better go. But I'll call you more often, yeah?_ "

"Yeah."

" _I love you_."

"I-" Michael swallowed. "I love you too."

He set the phone down and stared off into space, trying to shut his brain down.

He kept hearing that _'I love you'_ ringing in his ears and he didn't cut for two days. 

_______

_April-_

_Why did you say that 'I love you'? I'm probably the least lovable person in the world, you idiot. And now I've got that fucking stupid seed of hope that's just gonna die out soon. You're playing mind games with me and you don't even know it. What am I supposed to do? Yesterday I second-guessed my decision. Am I going to go through all of that again? I should just do it now. God, I'm so pathetic._

_I miss you so much. I'm going to see you tomorrow, because you're coming the day before Calum and Ashton. I guess you know that already, though._

_I stopped cutting for two whole days after you said that because I'm fucked up like that. I hope that doesn't weird you out._

_I know this is short but I really need to stop before I make even more of an idiot out of myself._

_love,_

_Michael_

_________

_April-_

_I was a little scared to call you because I missed you so much and I was worried that I'd let something slip. But I'm glad I did. You seemed really down in the dumps. I should have asked you to come with me and my family and I am so sorry I didn't. I just thought that you'd want to see your mom._

_And that 'I love you.' I can't decide if I should kick myself for saying it or be proud that that was all I let out. I think I managed to pass it off as a friend thing. I don't know._

_I'm so excited to see you tomorrow. It'll just be us, too. I'll have an excuse to drag you somewhere without Ash and Cal. You'll let me, too, even though you hate going out. I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, whether or not you feel the same way I do._

_I'll see you tomorrow! I can't wait. I think I'll just find you and hug you forever. That sounds perfect._

_love,_

_Luke_


	5. May

"Michael!" Luke's voice screeched behind him, and Michael turned just in time to get rammed by Luke's body. The two boys fell over with a crash, Michael on his back and Luke on top of him. Luke's long legs quickly got tangled with Michael's.

"Good to see you too," Michael teased, but he really meant it. An entire month without the boys, without _Luke_ , had been horrible. 

"I missed you," Luke pouted, his lip ring sticking out. Michael shifted a bit and Luke blushed before disentangling himself and standing up. He reached out a hand and pulled Michael up. 

They were in London for the beginning of the tour, and they had been sent to a hotel near the first venue where Calum and Ashton would join them the next day.

"We've got just this room tonight," Michael said, gesturing to their surroundings. He'd arrived first and unpacked already.

"Cool! It's only 9 o'clock, we should do something!"

"Don't you have jet lag?" Michael asked, hoping Luke would say no and insist on hanging out.

"A bit, but I haven't seen you in a month," Luke said, biting his lip. He turned and picked up his bags, which he'd dropped when he'd seen Michael. 

"How about coffee?" Michael suggested. "The concert isn't for a while and it's early morning for a saturday- they'd probably let us go alone."

"Cool! Coffee would be great." Luke pulled some clothes out of a bag. "Let me change real quick."

"Um." Michael turned toward the door. "I'll just, uh, go okay it with security." He practically ran out the door and barely heard Luke's 'be down in a minute.'

After clearing it with security, they went to a coffee shop nearly across the street and sat down with coffee and some pastries.

"Tell me about your vacation," Michael said after a while. 

"It was fun," Luke said. 

"Just 'fun'?"

"Well, you weren't there. That puts a bit of a damper on things. I mean all of you. Not that I didn't miss any of you, I missed all of you. And I missed you too. Not that-" Michael cut him off by shoving a piece of cinnamon roll into his mouth. Luke stared at him wide eyed for a minute before he started chewing.

"You can breathe while you talk, you know," Michael teased him. Luke grinned. 

"Sorry. Anyway, it was good to see my family but I'm glad I'm back with you and that Calum and Ashton are coming tomorrow. How about your vacation?"

"Um," Michael coughed. He always skimmed over topics relating to his family. "Basically what I told you the first time you called. I fiddled around with my guitar and watched movies. I wrote a bit too."

"Really?" Luke smiled widely. "You have to show me when Cashton get back."

"'Cashton'? You're actually gonna label them as 'Cashton'?" 

"I'm pretty sure we have like, a week tops before they're together," Luke whispered, leaning across the table. "I hope you're fine with that, by the way, because it's definitely happening." He tried to look nonchalant as he sipped his coffee but Michael could tell that he was gauging his reaction. 

"Come on," Michael rolled his eyes. "I've seen it coming since Ashton joined the band. Even if I hadn't been fine with it then, I'd have had plenty of time to come to terms with it."

"True," Luke said.

"Did you think I'd be upset that they were gay?" Michael asked, "because that's ridiculous."

"I don't know," Luke said. Michael eyed him suspiciously. 

"This is about more than the other two, isn't it?" He asked. Luke started, his coffee sloshing around as he almost dropped it.

"What? No! Why would it be?"

"Luke, if you're gay or bi or whatever, I'm perfectly fine with that," Michael said softly. Luke's tense shoulders relaxed.

"Well, I'm at least bi," he said after a while.

"Same," Michael said. 

"Really?" Luke grinned widely. "That's great! ...I mean, it would be weird if one of us was the only completely straight one." He sipped his coffee quickly, hiding behind the cup. "Do you wanna go back and watch a movie?"

_______

Some weird British comedy had come on but Luke wasn't paying attention to the Tv anymore. The volume was low and he wasn't looking at the screen. They'd sat on one of the beds and Michael had fallen asleep with his head resting on Luke's lap, and Luke had been amusing himself by fiddling with Michael's hair, something he usually wasn't brave enough to do. It was still green. He liked the green, but his favorite was the black, and he'd told Michael that. He thought the darker hair colors suited him best.

Looking down at Michael's face, he realized how vulnerable the boy seemed. His face was relaxed and Luke liked to see him with his guard down. He'd had this mask on ever since Luke had met him and while at first it had rubbed him the wrong way, he found that now it only saddened him. There were many parts to Michael he hadn't discovered yet. The other boy was older, but he seemed so much smaller to Luke. 

A sense of protectiveness settled over Luke and he went back to fingering Michael's hair thoughtfully.

_______

_May-_

_When I saw you again- I swear I've never felt happier. Being alone was horrible. I wish we would do more things together without Calum or Ashton. Don't get me wrong, I love those two; I just love to do things with you, to spend time with you. I'm so pathetic._

_But why did you think I would judge you for being bi? I felt like there was something more there._

_I've been having second thoughts about the end of this year. April was a really hard month and I was so sure I wanted to end it, but May has been- it's been great. Touring with 1D again is amazing and I feel like you and I have grown closer- or is that just me being crazy? It probably is._

_I love how you still get flustered when you see the boys. Niall gets flustered too, it's hilarious._

_You mean so much to me_

_love,_

_Michael_

_________

_May-_

_I know that you've never fully opened up to anyone and I wish you would. I hadn't thought about it lately, but you have that mask you've always worn. I only see it slip when you're asleep or occasionally when it's just you and me doing something and you think I'm not looking. What's going on in that head of yours? Are you worried about the band?_

_You and I have had such good times this month, though, and I'm not too worried. I just want to know everything you think and feel. Maybe that sounds creepy. I don't know._

_Are Ashton and Calum ever going to get their damn act together? They took their vacation time together, for crying out loud. We barely heard from them._

_I can't wait to read your letters. You are so important to me, Michael._

_love,_

_Luke_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PEOPLE. PLEASE WRITE CLEMMINGS FICS I DONT WANNA BE THE ONLY ONNNNNE  
> Seriously. There are a horrifically small amount of Clemmings fics. And if you know of any on other websites would you link them? I've run out of ones to read. 
> 
> ALSO: please feel free to give suggestions and ideas for this fic as long as you won't be offended if I do or don't use them :D


	6. June

Michael stared at his reflection in the mirror and turned to the side, examining his chest and stomach. It wasn't what he'd been aiming for but- well, it didn't seem to matter at the moment. He hadn't skipped a meal in four days and hadn't cut in half that. Something had changed and he didn't understand. It was like being around Luke made him forget about looking perfect and needing to feel pain to feel alive. But he'd been around Luke for years; what was different?

Maybe it was how Luke was acting around him. With Calum and Ashton getting so close, almost all of Luke's attention was on Michael. He wanted to hang out with him a lot and always sat next to him if he could. He'd play with Michael's hair and curl up next to him. Michael felt that Luke really loved him- as a friend of course, but still. He'd always had trouble believing people cared about him but Luke had pushed past that wall. Michael felt a little guilty thinking it, but Luke was the most important person in his life. Ashton and Calum were very important too, they were his best friends after all, and he loved the fans, but Luke was just . . . different. 

Michael looked at the hair dye with his toiletries and smiled. Maybe it was time for black hair again. 

_______

"Wooh!" Ashton called from where he was practically sitting on Calum's lap. "Michael dyed his hair again!" 

"Took you long enough," Calum teased him. Michael sat on the couch next to Luke.

"Black's my favorite," Luke said, leaning against Michael and fingering some of his hair. 

"Yeah, you said you liked it darker," Michael said. Luke smiled at him and Michael felt all warm inside. 

"You should do the teal stripe again sometime too," Luke told him. "It suited you."

"Well, you can't have it all," Michael laughed. He felt happy and it was . . . well, unusual. 

Suddenly Ashton jumped to his feet and was yelling at Calum before Michael realized what was happening.

"What's wrong with that?" Calum demanded, standing up and looking confused and angry. 

"You can't just go around telling me you think someone is the hottest person you've ever seen!" Ashton shouted at him, looking the most upset Michael had ever seen him. Luke stopped playing with Michael's hair and stared at the other two. 

"Why can't I?" Calum asked furiously. Ashton opened his mouth and then shut it. He took a step toward Calum.

"Here we go," Luke muttered, but Ashton didn't kiss Calum, he slapped him across the face. Dead silence filled the room and Michael wondered how the two of them could be so dim- Calum especially.

Then Calum and Ashton simultaneously dove on each other and Luke and Michael jumped up, ready to pull them apart, before they realized that they were _kissing_ , not ripping each other to pieces. 

"There it is," Luke giggled, taking Michael's hand and drawing him out of the room. Michael followed wordlessly. 

"Careful," he said finally, as Luke turned to shut the door. "We don't want anyone to see them."

Luke giggled again and shut the door quickly, turning and heading down to the second hotel room. 

"I know you're supposed to share with Calum, but I think I should stay in your room. They probably won't be leaving mine and Ashton's for a while."

"Harry's gonna have a field day with this," Michael grinned. "He's pushed for it since day one of our first tour together."

"Yeah," Luke agreed. "Do you mind if I sleep with you tonight?" 

"What?" Michael's mind short circuited. Luke hadn't shared a bed with any of them in a year or so, though he had done it all the time before that.

"I'm kind of lonely," Luke said sheepishly, and Michael knew _that_ , knew loneliness at all levels, even with other people around. Sometimes what you needed was physical contact. 

"Yeah, that's fine," Michael said. "I'm gonna try to sleep now but if you want to sit up and watch something-"

"I'm fine. I'm tired."

Luke got into the bed and Michael switched off the lights before following. He instinctively curled around Luke and was going to move away but the other boy grasped his hands and laid his head on the pillow, sighing contentedly. He was asleep in minutes and Michael laid there, watching the slope of his shoulders rise and fall with his chest as he breathed. Michael almost felt that they should switch positions- Luke was taller and so much more confident that it felt like he was the stronger one. 

He was Michael's grip on reality. He was everything that Michael wasn't- thin, confident, talented, _beautiful_. God, he was beautiful. 

And Michael loved him. 

Fuck, Michael _loved_ him. Michael was _in_ _love_ with Luke. 

All of the happiness rushed out of Michael and he was suddenly wide awake. There was no way he could sleep. He didn't know if he'd ever sleep again. He was ruining everything. What had he been thinking, letting Luke get so close? He was so _stupid_!

He gently pulled his arms out of Luke's grasp and stood, stumbling to the bathroom. He had to cut. He had to throw up. He had to do _something_. 

_______

_June-_

_I am so stupid,_ god _, I am such an_ idiot _. What was I thinking? I let you get too close and I got happy and it was ridiculous and amazing and now I'm in love with you. What am I supposed to_ do _? I can't afford to feel like this! I love you so much it_ hurts. _But it's not that good hurt, it's that hurt that's confusing and terrifying and uncontrollable and I could never be good enough for you so I don't know why I bother and I just can't be around you anymore. I can't talk to you, I can't sit by you, and I can't share a bed with you. But I'm going to have to be slow because you care a bit about me for some reason.  
_

_I'm so scared, Luke. Scared and confused._

_Michael_

_________

_June-_

_All we did last night was sleep but it felt so right, so perfect. I woke up in the middle of the night and we were facing each other, holding each other close. It was dark, but I could still see you. I want to see all of you, Michael. I want to see what's in your heart and your mind. I want you to turn off that tight filter, to take off that mask you've always had. I want to really see you, the good and the bad. And I want to know how you feel about me. Do you feel the same way I do? I don't know. Sometimes I think you do but then I doubt it. I don't want to trick myself into believing that you do just because I want you to._

_These letters aren't about what I did or thought the past month, they're about you. Even with concerts, and Calum and Ashton getting together, and all of us doing things with the biggest boy band in the world, the thing I think about most is you. And of all of the things I'm thankful for, meeting you is at the top._

_God, this is sort of embarrassing. I'm making such a fool out of myself._

_love,_

_Luke_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Michael's moods and opinion on himself may change a lot, but that's common for people with depression. 
> 
> Hope you like it! I appreciate the reviews, thank you. :)


	7. July

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a few mentions of Ziall but if you don't ship it, it's not that important.

"Sup Luke?" Zayn asked, plopping next to Luke on the bed. 1D and 5sos had rooms all next to each other that night and Luke, Michael, Niall, Harry, and Zayn were all in Harry and Niall's room. 

"Nothing," Luke said absently as he watched Harry, Niall, and Michael playing a board game. Michael threw his head back laughing at something Luke hadn't heard and Luke couldn't keep himself from smiling.

Zayn scooted back until he was leaning against the headboard next to Luke. He was smiling at Luke in an odd sort of way and Luke felt himself turning red.

"What?" He asked defensively. 

"Luke, mate, you couldn't be more obvious if you tried," Zayn told him quietly.

"What?" Luke asked, genuinely confused.

Zayn wrapped an arm around Luke and grinned lazily. "Michael, you dingbat."

"Oh." Luke didn't really know what to say so he turned and looked at Michael again. Michael turned and met his eyes, smiling across the room. Something felt off to Luke but he couldn't place it.

"You've got it bad," Zayn said. "You oughta tell him."

"Do you think he feels the same?" Luke asked quietly.

"I honestly don't know," Zayn said. He sighed and shifted down a little, lounging next to Luke. "I used to be really quiet, you know. I didn't talk at all. Nobody really listened, so I started observing people. I learned what they _weren't_ saying, what they'd left out. Everyone thought I was stupid because sometimes I would miss entire conversations, but I would _see_ entire conversations that never were spoken aloud. A lot of times I could guess a question before it was asked, or even a motion before it happened."

"What's this got to do with me and Michael?" Luke asked. 

"My point is that I know a lot about you that's different from what other people know. Same with Calum and Ashton and my own bandmates. Same with lots of people. But Michael- I don't know Michael like that. There's no pattern to how he stands or when he smiles or what tone he uses even. He hugs people twenty-three different ways. His smile is a little different every time."

"He seems like he should be an open book," Luke commented. "But he's not."

"All I can say is that he's really clever and he's got lots of practice. I don't know why he covers up like that."

"Something seems off," Luke frowned, glancing back at Michael. Michael had been watching them curiously but he quickly turned away and grinned at Niall.

"I haven't seen anything, but you two are pretty in tune with each other," Zayn said. "Follow your instincts with him, Luke."

"What do you see about me that others don't?" Luke asked.

"Well, this for one," Zayn answered. "I'll tell you how it works. When you, Michael, and one or more people are talking, your feet, if not your whole body, are facing Michael, whether or not he's speaking. When he does speak, you turn to him faster than you do to the others and sometimes you look longer than needed. When he laughs you can't help but at least smile and while you insist on sitting as close to him as possible, your palms sweat when you do as a result of you being nervous. That's just a bit of it."

"Creepy much?" Luke grinned. 

"Don't be ridiculous," Zayn grinned back. "I observe everyone."

"Like Niall?" Luke questioned, and his grin changed to a smirk. 

Zayn smacked him upside the head and Niall turned to laugh at them, unaware of their conversation. 

_______

_July-_

_It's getting ridiculous- there's no way I'll be able to push away from you. Whenever we're at a hotel you and I share a room because Calum and Ashton always want to share. You always want to sit by me and you've stopped talking about your family- is that because my mom was too busy to see me during my vacation?_

_I don't know. Nothing's making sense anymore and I have very little control over anything. I have the least control over loving you._

_I'm sorry, Luke. I don't know if I'm sorry because I'll be gone when you're reading this or because I was in love with you, but I'm sorry. You've put up with a lot because of me and you're just going to go through more. I have a lot to be sorry for. You're going to have to find a new guitarist and I'm sorry for that but I'm sure you'll all be relieved. 5sos has had a jump start but there'll be no stopping you when I'm gone- no limitations._

_I need to go. I've been so tired recently..._

_love,_

_Michael_

_________

_July-_

_Zayn figured out how I feel about you but I guess that shouldn't be a surprise. I_ was _surprised, however, when he said that he couldn't guess anything about you. He's always been good at reading people but he said he can't read you at all._

_Something feels off though; is something wrong? I hope you tell me before you read this letter. You're so important to me, Michael. I want to know what's on your mind._

_i didn't give myself much time so I have to wrap this up._

_You're so amazing. Don't forget that._

_love,_

_Luke_


	8. August

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: Okay, so I don't know anything about Michael's family, so I'm going to take some freedoms here. Basically his dad has been out of the picture for a long time and his mom has always ignored him and let him do whatever he wants as long as he leaves her alone.

"Woohoo!" Ashton whooped as the boat picked up speed. The four boys had been given another break- this time two weeks- and they had rented a boat for a day before they went their separate ways.

Calum came up behind Ashton and they did the Titanic pose, giggling hysterically. Luke snorted from where he was sitting next to Michael.

"They are so ridiculous," he said. Michael nodded absently.

"Whatcha doing?" Calum asked as he and Ashton came up to Luke and Michael.

"Twitter," Michael said.

"Talking to a deaf person," Luke joked, grinning at Michael. Michael tried to be annoyed for minute but it didn't work so he sighed and put his phone down.

"What am I supposed to do?" he asked.

"Act like an idiot," Ashton told him. He bowed and held his hand out to Calum. Calum took it and he and Ashton twirled in circles dramatically, Ashton humming some classical piece. They tried waltzing but they tripped over each other and sprawled onto the deck. Michael wished he felt that carefree.

_______

" _Are you sure you don't want to stay with us_?" Luke asked Michael over the phone.

"I want to see my mom," Michael told him. "She invited me on a vacation- she's never done that before. I think that maybe she wants to mend our relationship." Michael smiled at the thought.

He'd wanted to get to know his mother since he was a little boy; maybe they could start afresh.

" _Well I hope you have fun_ ," Luke told him. " _Call me if you need anythin_ g."

"I'll see you soon," Michael said. "It's only twelve days."

" _I know. I'll miss you though_."

"You too," Michael said quickly before hanging up. His mom had rented a house near London because she'd said that a change of scenery might help them get to know each other better, and Michael was in high spirits as he approached the house.

It was small but large enough for them to stay in for twelve days. There was a nice garden out front and the house had a large porch. Michael stepped onto it and entered the house a bit tentatively. It was silent, and he walked through the front room into the kitchen.

"Mom?" he called. He heard a sound out back and he opened the curtained doors to the backyard. Familiar and terrifying flashes blinded him as a crowd of people surged toward the door. Microphones were held out and questions thrown at him. Michael stumbled back, dazed, and fought the urge to panic as he was ripped from the doorway and pulled into the midst of the crowd.

"Michael!" A familiar voice cried, and Michael saw his mum push through to him. She smiled at a few cameras and grabbed Michael's arm.

Michael was having trouble breathing. They never got swarmed like this- that was why they had security guards. People were grabbing at him, all demanding his attention. He didn't know where to look.

"Mrs Clifford!" someone called, and Michael's mother beamed, turning toward them.

Michael put two and two together and turned on her, his face causing the people closest to him to calm down somewhat and back a bit away. Silence fell except for a few flashes from cameras.

"You called them here," Michael said, shaking. He felt utterly betrayed. His mother looked completely unapologetic.

"Suzie Hawks didn't believe you were my son," she said and Michael stared at her in disbelief. "I'm your mother, Michael, right? I love you darling." She flashed a dazzling smile at a camera and Michael wrenched out of her grasp.

"No," he said dully. "No, you're not. You don't care about me at all and you never have. Congratulations- you got your wish. You'll be all over the news. Now stay out of my life." He turned and walked back into the house, slamming the door before he could hear the sound of the reporters talking excitedly. He'd find a hotel nearby and hide.

_______

Luke was the first to call the next morning when the story hit the news. Michael was still curled up in bed when he answered.

" _Michael, what happened_?" Luke asked, and Michael sighed.

"What's the report?" He asked tiredly.

" _That your mom set you up and set the paparazzi on you to prove that you're her kid and to get on the news_!" Luke sounded a little hysterical.

"That's just about it," Michael said.

" _Michael, come stay with me,_ " Luke said. " _You can't stay with your mom_."

"I'm not with my mum. I checked into the hotel we stayed at for the first show of the tour."

" _I'm coming to you, then_ ," Luke announced.

"No you're not," Michael said.

" _Michael, stop being stubborn_!"

"I'm always stubborn," Michael said before hanging up. He got up finally and went to the bathroom. He felt dull again- he needed something sharp.

_______

Luke showed up the evening of the next day.

"Michael, let me in!" he demanded. Michael ignored him and turned on the Tv, but he saw his face and quickly flipped it off. He'd left his phone on the nightstand and hadn't touched it since. He didn't want to see himself on the news and hear the negative feedback from twitter.

" _Michael Clifford_! I didn't fly all the way over here for you to ignore me!"

"You shouldn't have come then!" Michael yelled before realizing that he'd replied.

"Stop being an arse and open the damn door!" Luke yelled at him. "I'm not gonna leave!"

Michael sighed, realizing that it wouldn't be beneath Luke to check in to the room next door and bang on the wall or even just camp outside of Michael's door. He got out of bed and went to the door. Luke pounded on it again and Michael glared. He unlocked the door and quickly scurried back to the bed, curling up under the sheets before Luke came in.

"Michael..." Luke's voice was soft as he sat on the bed. "I'm sorry I yelled, but I want to help you." He shifted and sat against the headboard, touching Michael's shoulder gently.

Michael had to bite his lip to keep from crying. He didn't say anything and Luke sighed. "Come out of there, Michael," he said, tugging at the sheets. He pulled them off of Michael and Michael gave in again, sitting up.

"Well, now you've seen me," he said, his voice cracking and his eyes filling with tears.

"Oh, Michael..." Luke tugged him up gently and hugged him tightly. Michael relaxed after a moment and then finally burst into tears, clinging tightly to Luke. Luke just held him quietly but it was exactly what Michael needed.

_________

_August-_

_I don't really know what to say about what you did for me the past two weeks except 'thank you' and 'I'm sorry'. Thank you because it was amazing to spend time with you and it was exactly what I needed after my mom did that to me, and I'm sorry because you spent ten days cooped up in a hotel room with me when you could have been spending time with your family._

_I love you so much, it's horrible. I wish you and I could spend time with each other like that all the time- just laying in bed together and talking about random, unimportant things that become so important when they have to do with you._

_Thank you._

_I'm sorry._

_love,_

_Michael_

_________

_August-_

_The last ten days have been some of the best and worst days of my life. I got to see_ you _for once, not what you want us to see, but it was terrible that I only saw it because your mother treated you like shit. Seriously. I figured you two didn't really talk because I never saw her when we were at your house, but... that was just cruel, playing around with you emotionally like that._

_I know you won't look at the news right now, but everyone's siding with you. Your mom told the paparazzi everything which meant that even they were horrified at her. I haven't seen anyone blaming you. God, Michael, it's just not fair. You shouldn't have had to go through that. We all love you so much._

_Thanks for letting me in. I meant what I said about not leaving but I know you could have ignored me or put your mask back on. I mean it when I say I want to see all of you. I don't care about your mom- you're far more important than anyone's opinions on whose son you are. I'm glad you don't plan on seeing her again._

_The next time we have time off you're staying with me. You're not going to wander off alone, okay? You did that enough when you were younger. Hang in there, Michael. I'll help you fight through anything._

_love,_

_Luke_


	9. September

Michael just felt really _tired_. Tired of dodging questions about his mom, tired of hiding from the fans whenever he could, tired of cutting and throwing up. Well, more like tired of _needing_ to cut and throw up. Was he ever going to be done?

Well, he only had three months to go. He looked in the mirror, struggling to look himself in the eyes. Was he going to be able to do it? To end everything? He only had four more letters to write to Luke and he felt like he had too much to say and still not enough. For the first time in his life he was struggling with words. He'd drifted closer to Calum and Ashton- he didn't hang out with them alone, he just sat closer to them, talked at them more. It would be so hard to let them go but it would be easier than letting go of Luke. He knew Luke was confused and he made a mental note to explain in his letter.

He felt listless. He didn't want to leave the bathroom and go see the boys but he'd already been in there a while and they would get suspicious soon. He sighed and splashed some water on his face, drying it and leaving the bathroom. The three other boys were crowded onto the queen sized bed in Calum and Ashton's room and Michael realized that they'd shifted so that the only empty spot was next to Luke. He worried that they'd noticed and he sat next to Luke quietly, not seeing how Luke's eyes lit up when he sat by him.

Calum turned and faced them all. "So, the plan next year is- drumroll, Ashton." He waited while Ashton beat on the nightstand next to him. "Recording! In January!"

Ashton cheered. "I thought we were waiting until May!"

"We were, but apparently we need to get another album out quicker than that. They want us to make it a summer release. We'll start working on music videos soon after we wrap up recording."

"Sounds awesome!" Luke agreed with Ashton. Michael remained silent. All talking of the future after December made him uncomfortable. He suddenly wondered what it was going to be like for the boys. Would people be angry? Would they blame them? Would the band split up? Would the boys blame themselves? That one was the worst. Maybe they would feel responsible. But to blame themselves they'd have to care, right? And if they only tolerated him then yeah, it would be a little inconvenient, but they'd get through it.

_______

It was one of those days where Michael just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. They'd had an interviewer who was especially nosy about Michael's mom and they had another interview in five minutes that Michael was not ready for. They seated themselves where they were told- Calum and Ashton on a love seat and Luke and Michael right next to each other in chairs to the left of the love seat- and Michael shifted nervously. Luke reached out and touched Michael's arm comfortingly, smiling at him. Michael smiled back weakly.

"Hi! I'm Lori, and I'm here with 5 Seconds of Summer, the hot Australian band I'm sure you've all heard of," the interviewer gushed at the camera, smiling a creepy smile under all of her makeup. The boys waved.

"Hello!" Calum greeted.

"So the first topic for our interview today is ships!" The interviewer told them. "You all know what ships are?"

"You can't get on the internet and _not_ know what they are," Ashton laughed.

"Good. Well, we know that the ones I'll mention are hypothetical since we all know that Cashton is exclusive," Lori answered. She giggled and they all laughed, managing not to sound too awkward.

"So are we going to go through all of them?" Luke asked. 

"Well," said Lori, "there are so many combinations of your four that I don't think we'd have the time. Let's talk about statistics."

"Ugh, math," Ashton said. 

"Well, we won't get into numbers," Lori reassured him, giving him a wide smile. "On our website some of our polls, and it may vary from website to website, the big early ships were Cake and Lashton."

"Wow, I really get around," Luke grinned. Michael forced himself not to frown as Lori and the boys laughed.

"Sounds like it," Lori answered. "Anyway, Cashton has had support from all sides, even from fans who ship other ships, which goes to show that your happiness is worth more than their fantasies. You have such loyal fans."

"Our fans are the best," Luke said. "I know Calum and Ashton really appreciate all of the support."

"Definitely," Ashton said, slinging an arm around Calum. "We did an interview on that already, though. Don't fish for too many compliments."

More laughter that Michael didn't feel up to. He smiled at the camera as best he could and remained silent. 

"Anyway," Lori continued, "Cashton still isn't our top ship."

"Aw..." Ashton pouted. "Why's that?"

"I'm not sure; it's a very close second, though." 

"What's the top, then?" Calum asked. 

"Muke Clemmings," Lori giggled, and Luke and Michael stiffened at the same time. 

After a moment Ashton laughed awkwardly. "Why didn't we get a mashed up last name, Calum?" He pouted. 

"Hoodwin? Irwood?" Calum suggested. Lori giggled again.

"I like Irwood," Ashton announced. "It sounds like Sherwood. Like Robin Hood and all that."

"Cute," said Lori. "Now we asked a few fans about Clemmings and their answers weren't what you might think."

"What might we think?" Calum asked awkwardly.

"Well, we thought at first that it might be the top ship because Luke and Michael are the only two available still and it would be cute if you were a band of two couples." 

Luke and Michael refused to meet each other's eyes. Michael stared at the arm of the love seat instead, gripping his chair tightly and wishing to be anywhere else.

"Anyway," continued Lori, "we got sent back videos and pictures and stories that had resulted in various fans shipping this. They're up on our website but we can't watch any now because now we're going to talk about your plans for next year."

Michael sagged in his seat with relief and figured that he could make it through the rest of the interview unscathed. 

_______

_September-_

_I want you to know that I'm not avoiding you because I dislike you or don't enjoy being around you- it's the opposite, actually, and you should know that by the time you get to this letter. It won't matter, of course, because I'll be gone, but on the off chance that my opinion matters to you, I want you to know that I have never found fault with you. Even when we hated each other I hated you because you were so amazing and I don't even know if I hated you or if I was afraid because I liked you._

_I'm a little scared, Luke. I hope you three aren't too inconvenienced by my death._

_Death._

_It's frightening but I'm so tired, Luke, I'm just so_ tired _._

_I love you, Luke, so much._

_love,_

_Michael_

_________

_September-_

_Did I do something wrong? We've been through this before- you ignoring me. Is it something other than me?_

_This isn't about the fans, is it? About how they think we- well, it's real, it just may be only one-sided._

_I wish I wasn't such a coward, that I could make myself tell you to your face, but very day I feel less and less like you feel the same way I do. If you don't, it's fine. Yeah, it will hurt, but our friendship is more important than that._

_I feel like we went backwards. You finally opened up to me and let me in and suddenly I'm at arm's length again. You've been so quiet and I'm kind of worried but I don't want to push it, don't want to make you do anything you don't want to. Your mom did that for you enough._

_But Michael, please- I'm here for you whenever you need to talk. I don't care if it's three in the morning or in the middle of something. Wake me up, pull me aside:_ talk to me. _Please_.

_You can't just hide by yourself, you'll go crazy. I'm always here for you._

_love,_

_Luke_


	10. October

It was insane- one minute they'd been on their way out to the van, the next they were swarmed with paparazzi and fans. Absolutely _surrounded_. Luke grabbed onto Michael and Calum and Calum reached for Ashton but he'd been hauled out of the chaos by the one security guard that had managed to stay near them. Michael felt panic welling up inside him as girls screamed their names and pulled at them. Some of them clawed at Luke and Michael's joined hands and Luke stumbled into Michael as Calum was torn away. 

"Stop!" Luke yelled, clinging to Michael as tightly as Michael was clinging to him. But the girls didn't listen. "Calm _down_!"

"Luke!" Michael panicked, and Luke pushed at a few girls, trying to be gentle but quite obviously pissed off. Michael remembered the crowd at his mum's house. This was worse; then the paps hadn't touched him much, just jabs and calls for him to listen. Here, though..."

"Michael!" Luke grabbed Michael with his other hand as they were almost torn apart. Michael was ashen and sweaty and he felt pathetic but he couldn't help it. He was feeling claustrophobic. 

Luke wrapped his right arm around Michael's shoulder and started hauling him back toward the hotel, less gentle with the girls now that they were actually clawing at them. The screaming and crying only panicked Michael more and he felt tears welling up in his eyes.

"Michael!" Luke had to shout in his ear. "It's okay, we're almost there!"

Off to the left Michael saw some security guards struggling to get through but the girls were absolutely _manic_. Calum was being hauled into the hotel and Michael felt relief at that.

Suddenly an arm pulled Michael out of Luke's grasp and further into the crowd. 

"He'll never love you!" A girl hissed in Michael's ear. 

 _Don't strike out, don't strike out,_ Michael thought as he fought to breathe. 

"Luke's never going to love you!" She repeated, and the girls around her started pulling at Michael, not even hearing what she was saying as they chanted his name. "He doesn't even _like_ you," she snarled, and Michael stared at her mutely, having trouble thinking. 

" _Michael_!" he turned and saw Luke struggling to reach him, ducking away from a security guard so he could get to Michael. Michael wanted Luke out of there and he shook the girl off of him, shoving fans aside to get to Luke. He stretched his hand out a far a he could and Luke grasped it, grabbing Michael and pulling him toward the nearest security guard. Two more joined them and covered them as they pushed through to the hotel, slamming the door in the girls' faces. The girls weren't even fazed as they continued to shout and chant. 

Security were running around, talking to each other or plowing back into the crowd to try and disperse them. Sirens sounded in the distance. 

Michael sagged and Luke let him down gently, keeping his arm around him as they sat on the floor against the wall. Ashton and Calum were sitting a little ways off and they both looked upset, but Michael barely noticed as he tried to get his breathing under control. 

"Shh...Michael, it's fine; we're inside now. Look- they're all leaving." Luke pulled Michael closer, resting his chin on his head and rubbing his shoulder. "It's okay. I've got you, I've got you."

They were still sitting like that when they were told that he interview was cancelled and that they should go to their rooms and rest. Calum and Ashton hugged them and went to their room and Luke pulled Michael up, still touching him while they went to their room. 

Luke sat Michael on one of the beds and pulled his shoes off before kicking off his own and settling against the headboard, patting the spot next to him. Michael scooted up next to him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to Luke finally.

"What for?" Luke asked, looking down at him curiously. He ran his fingers though Michael's hair, fingering a few strands.

"For freaking out. You didn't have to protect me."

"Michael, freaking out in a situation like that is totally normal. Those girls were crazy and that one looked like she wanted to rip you to shreds. It freaked me out too."

"Well you didn't freeze up." Michael was really angry with himself for being so weak but he was fighting not to show it too much.

"Michael, don't be so hard on yourself. I got so close to punching someone I swear I had my hand in a fist. That'a the way I freaked out. You got scared, I got mad and defensive, but we're out now so that's the end of that."

"Okay," Michael whispered.

"Let's just relax for a bit," Luke suggested, pulling the sheets up. He scooted down and Michael followed, curling into Luke with his head on the pillow. Luke wrapped his arms around him and smiled at him, their noses nearly touching, and Michael smiled back weakly, breathing in deeply and closing his eyes.

He was asleep in minutes. 

_______

Michael woke up a few hours later with his face buried in Luke's neck. Their legs were tangled up in the sheets and Michael could feel Luke's steady heartbeat against his own chest. 

He'd fucked up again. He'd let Luke in, let Luke see him vulnerable. His heart ached as he breathed in Luke's scent. He wished he could wake up like that every day, wished he could spread his fingers over Luke's chest and feel his heart beat or bury his face into his shoulder and breathe him in. He wanted to stay right where he was forever, with Luke's arms around him.

Which was why he had to move _now,_ before he couldn't make himself. 

He slowly and gently pulled himself out of Luke's grasp, careful not to wake the sleeping boy. He went to the bathroom and shut and locked the door behind him before he got out his razor.

He lost himself for a little while in lines and droplets of red until he felt alive again. When he looked down he realized that he'd filled in empty spots on his thighs and then moved to his arms. He hadn't cut his arms yet but it was cold enough that he could wear long sleeves. He bandaged up his thighs and arms and pulled his pants back on, rolling his sweater's sleeves back down and leaving the bathroom. 

He checked the clock on the wall and saw that they still had time before they had to leave. 

Luke was still asleep and Michael wanted to kill himself as he crawled back into Luke's arms and buried his face in his shoulder, spreading his fingers over his chest and falling back to sleep as he felt his steady heartbeat.

_______

_October-_

_That girl in the crowd who pulled me away- she was right, wasn't she. You'll never love me. It's best that way, since I'm going to be gone by January, I suppose, but it hurts._

_Thank you for finding me in the crowd, for trying to protect me. It means a lot to me._

_After we got back to the hotel, I was still terrified but being so close to you was one of the best moments of my life. I wish we could be that close all of the time. Waking up with your arms around me felt...right somehow. I hope you aren't horrified about this. I doubt you'll even want to read this far into the letters. I was mad at Calum and Ashton for getting me roped into doing this but it makes things easier- in a way these are like one, long suicide note._

_I love you so much. Even when I'm gone I think I will._

_Thank you for that. It's helped me feel._

_love,_

_Michael_

_________

_October-_

_I was so angry when those girls scared you like that. It was like your mom all over again, except with more people._

_I know Ash and Cal are okay but I'm worried about you. This will blow over soon, though. I'll stay as close to you as possible._

_I was awake when you came back that day. I woke up wondering where you'd gone and feeling cold and you came out of the bathroom so I pretended to be asleep. I guess I wanted to know what you would do. When you got back into bed with me and laid right next to me with your face in my shoulder it felt like we just fit perfectly. You fell asleep and I just looked at you._

_Then I realized that deep down inside somewhere I've been falling in love with you. And I did- fall in love with you, I mean. This isn't coming out right but I don't want to rewrite this letter._

_Here's what I'm trying to say: I've fallen in love with you somewhere along the way._

_Its terrifying because I have no idea if you like me much less_ love _me, but loving you also calms me in a way. I don't know. I'm beginning to feel like all of these letters are just one long love letter, so all that remains to be seen is how you feel._

_Michael, you need someone, and if it isn't me then you need to go find them._

_Oh god, I hope it's me._

_I love you, I love you, I love you._

_Luke_


	11. November

Michael only had one and a half months. Only six weeks until he would be gone. It was for the best, him leaving. 

But why did it feel so _hard_? There were times when he let life slip through his fingers and other times when he closed his fists, grasping into the small moments tightly and clinging as hard as he could. Some moments he brushed by as not mattering when he would be gone. But others he cherished _because_ he would be gone, because he wouldn't see them anymore.

The boys from One Direction- it was going to be hard to let them go. They'd all been so nice putting up with him, spending time with him. Niall especially.

Calum and Ashton were going to be even harder to let go of. He known Calum for longer than he'd known anyone he was on good terms with. And Ashton had spent so much time going out of his way to do things with or for Michael. 

And Luke. Leaving Luke would be the hardest thing he had ever done. But how long could he stand to be around him? Did he really want to watch Luke meet someone special? Get married? Have kids? That would be just as hard, if not harder. He would be free from that pain and the world would be free from him. It just worked out too well. 

He felt like a wreck.

_______

Luke frowned as Michael's sweater slipped further down his left shoulder. His collar bone was strongly pronounced- much more strongly than just weeks ago. His face was narrower too and Luke didn't like it. 

The other boy also seemed constantly on edge. His eyes darted around and he hardly spoke- he wiped his hands off on his pants because they were sweating but he refused to wear short sleeves when they performed or did anything else that made them sweat. 

Basically he wasn't _Michael_ and Luke was scared. He didn't understand but Michael seemed vacant or distant all the time and it was hard to watch. He would laugh and joke around and Ashton and Calum hadn't mentioned anything, but Luke noticed the small things that didn't add up. It was mid November and Michael had seemed to get more and more jumpy every day since the beginning of the month. 

So when Michael went to bed early ( _again_ ), Luke decided to mention his worries to Calum and Ashton. 

"Something's wrong with Michael," he told them, and they both turned to look at him curiously.

"What?" Calum asked.

"I don't know- he's just off somehow. He's gotten thin, like _really_ thin. And he's so jumpy. He doesn't smile the same anymore and he just seems scared." Luke sighed, looking at the door Michael had left through.

"I hadn't noticed the jumpiness but I have noticed the weight loss," Calum said, looking worried. "I thought that maybe it was just stress but...I don't know."

"What do you think is going on?" Ashton asked Luke. Luke bit his lip.

"I really just don't know. And it's Michael- he won't let us know until he's dealt with it."

"Maybe he'll tell you in his letters," Ashton suggested. 

"Maybe, but I won't get them for a month and a half."

"It's better than nothing," Calum said. "Let's keep a close eye on him until you get your letters and see if you can figure it out."

Luke sighed. "I guess it's the best we can do. I'll try to talk him into staying with my family for Christmas- he shouldn't be alone."

"I think that would be best," said Calum. "You should go back to your room and check on him."

"Yeah." Luke got up and headed toward the door.

"Write to us and let us know how he is," Ashton told him, and Luke nodded before shutting the door behind him.

"I'm worried about Luke too," Calum said, laying his head in Ashton's lap.

"Yeah?" Ashton asked, threading his fingers in Calum's hair. "Why's that?"

"If Michael's not okay then Luke won't be okay," Calum told him. 

"None of us will be," Ashton answered. "Not okay _with_ it at least."

_______

_November-_

_All I can think about is death and you. You sort of feel like the opposite of death: death is cold and you're warm, death is dark and you're bright. Death is for anyone, but you- you're different, you're special, you go where no one else can and break past limits and borders.  
_

_I'm sort of like death. I'm cold and I can't feel, everything seems dark. I can't fly like you and limits stop me. I'm underneath everyone- you're overhead._ _It's just who we are I guess._

_There's so much that goes into who you are- your smile, your laughter, your eyes...your thoughts, your sense of humor, your kindness. I could write entire books about you._

_I want to read your letters so badly but I'll only change my mind if I do, if I get to know you even a little better._

_I love you so much._

_Michael_

_________

_November-_

_I'm worried about you, Michael. You're so thin and quiet and distant and not you that I can't help but be afraid. What's going on? Are you stressed? I wish you would just communicate. I'm here for you, I_ want _to know what's going on._

_I love you, Michael, so, so much._

_Luke_


	12. December

Luke looked down to where his fingers were fiddling with Michael's hair and sighed. Even when sleeping Michael looked closed off. The past few nights he'd crawled into bed with Luke but he hadn't said a word and Luke had felt like he shouldn't either.

In a couple of days they were all flying home for a break until recording in January. Michael was   especially quiet when they spoke about recording and the next year, and Luke wondered if he was stressed about the band. 

He was so worried about him. He'd asked him several times how he was doing and every time Michael came to life for just a little bit, a wide smile and a 'great; why do you ask?' that was reminiscent of the old Michael appeasing Luke until Michael slipped back into his silence. The past three weeks had even up and down with Luke thinking Michael might be fine and then freaking out and it was so exhausting. Calum and Ashton were worried too but they knew that if Luke couldn't get to Michael then they couldn't. It was complicated and Luke was tired and stressed.

Michael stirred and opened his eyes, blinking up at Luke blearily. Luke smiled weakly at him.

"Hey," he said, and Michael sat up.

"What time is it?" He asked, and Luke looked at the clock over his shoulder.

"9:06. You didn't have to get an apartment, Michael."

Michael flinched for some reason. "I know."

"You'd better. You could have stayed with any of us, you know that?"

Michael smiled sadly at him. "Yeah, I know."

"Then why won't you?" Luke asked, leaning his head on Michael's shoulder. 

"I've only got the apartment until New Year's," Michael said. "I'll consider it in January." But it felt like an empty promise and Luke wondered why.

"Okay," he said softly, grasping Michael's hand and lifting his head to look at it. 

Michael gently pulled away and left the room.

_______

"Are you sure you're okay?" Luke asked Michael for the hundredth time as he surveyed Michael's apartment. 

"I'm fine," Michael told him, smiling. Luke could hear the other boy's heart rate pick up and he sat up, grasping Michael's wrist to feel his pulse.

Michael ripped his hand out of Luke's grasp and flew to his feet, standing on the other side of the room before Luke knew that he had moved. He was holding his wrist and Luke knew that they realized it at the same time because Michael immediately let go, dropping his hand. 

"Michael, what-"

"Get out." Michael's voice was cold and only made Luke more worried.

"Michael-"

"I said _get out_." His face didn't match his tone- his tone was cold and commanding but his face was guilty. Luke felt that he really should go even though he didn't know what he'd done wrong.

"Call me, Michael," he said, turning to go. "I'll see you soon."

_______

He didn't see him. Christmas rolled around and Michael wouldn't let anyone in. The three of them came and knocked but got no answer. Ashton and Calum threatened but Luke just begged. He sat outside the door until the landlord would kick him out. He texted Michael and even tried calling him a few times. He almost stopped coming but he heard a stifled sob once before he left and couldn't stop coming back because _he had to know what was wrong._ If Michael was hurting then so was Luke. New Year's Eve came and Luke didn't go to any parties. He texted Michael a few times and sat by his phone idly, waiting for a call he knew he wouldn't get. His mother was worried about Michael too but there wasn't really anything they could do. Luke just hoped that Michael would come out soon and that he would be fine- that they would find out that he'd just needed some space to himself for a while.

_______

It was New Years Eve and Michael was shaking. His head hurt, his chest hurt, and he found himself looking through photos of him with his bandmates. He refused to let himself second guess again. He had to go through with it. He couldn't even think of why at the moment, he just knew that it needed to happen.

His heart thundered in his chest as he sat down to write one last letter.

_______

_December-_

_I love you._

_Michael_

_________

_December-_

_Michael, please. If you haven't let me in by the time you read this, please let me in. I'm really worried about you. Are you stressing? Are you too tired? Because we can take a break with the band. We really can. Our fanbase is loyal and you're more important than fame anyway._

_You freaked out when I touched your arm the other day. Are you hurting yourself? God, Michael, please be okay. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. Maybe you just need a few weeks alone and you'll be just fine. I hope so, Michael, I hope so. I want nothing more than for you to be fine._

_I love you so much and I'm going to tell you, alright? You'll see it in all of these letters when you read them. I'm giving them to you tomorrow. I'll find a way to get them to you if it's the last thing I do._

_You don't have to be alone. I can be there for you._

_I love you so, so much._

_Luke_


	13. New Year's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: I have extended this story to 14 chapters. Enjoy!

Luke entered his house and sat down on the couch, frowning out the window. He'd gone to Michael's apartment but had, as usual, gotten no answer. He thought that maybe Michael hadn't even been there. 

He headed up the stairs as the clock struck twelve in the living room and the neighbors cheered. Without Michael around to smile at him and hug him Luke felt down. He needed to see Michael, to feel him. 

He entered his room and was about to hunt down some sweatpants when he noticed something on his pillow. Twelve envelopes tied up with a thick string were laying on it and he eagerly grabbed the package, untying it and tearing open the first envelope. He scanned the letter, his heart coming to a complete stop.

Before he realized it he had his phone out. Calum picked up fairly quickly and Luke struggled to breath, dropping the letter onto the bed.

"Luke?"

"Calum! Oh my god. I got Michael's letters." Luke looked at his shaking hands.

"Did you read them?"

"Yes!" Luke was hysterical. "He's going to kill himself!"

Calum let loose a startled " _fuck_!" and Luke heard Ashton ask him something in the background.

"I need to go find him!" Luke jumped to his feet and ran down the stairs, barely hearing Calum talking to Ashton. 

"Do you think he plans to tonight?" Calum asked desperately as Luke ran out onto the sidewalk and headed toward Michael's apartment. It was a few blocks away but Luke didn't have a car to take so he ran faster than he ever had in his life.

"He said he'd be dead when I got his letters and I just got them." Luke rounded a corner and nearly knocked someone over. 

He was running out of breath and his mind was racing. What if he was too late? What if Michael was dying? What if Michael was already dead and he couldn't even say _goodbye_?

No. He couldn't afford to think like that. He was going to get to Michael in time. 

"Stay on the phone!" Calum told him. "If Michael's already done anything, tell me to call an ambulance and then hang up and try to keep him alive. Got it? I'm heading over with Ash but you'll get there faster."

"Okay," Luke panted. He crossed a street and narrowly avoided getting hit by a car, jumping to the side and running even faster. When he reached the building he barely stopped to open the door and ran up the steps toward Michael's room. He felt nauseous and he could barely breathe. He grasped the door handle and turned. 

"Goddammit!" He swore as it wouldn't turn. He rattled it violently and desperation lent him strength as the handle gave way, dropping at his feet. He shoved the door open and ran into the room, scanning it frantically. He didn't see Michael.

Then he spotted the open bathroom door. A thin, pale hand that Luke recognized immediately was laying stretched out of the doorway and Michael's arm led into the bathroom. Luke swayed and leaned against the wall, fighting the urge to throw up as he saw the blood trickling out.

"A-ambulance," he gasped out.

"Shit! Hang in there Luke, Michael needs you! I'll call now." 

Calum hung up and Luke dropped his phone, pushing off of the wall and stumbling toward the bathroom.

"Michael! God, _Michael_!" Luke dropped to his knees next to Michael. He was on his side, one arm laying above his head and the other slumped over his body. He was unconscious but the blood was still flowing gently and Luke hoped that that meant that he'd only just...sliced his wrists. 

He turned away and vomited, bracing himself on his hands and fighting tears. Michael needed him, he had to pull himself together. He grabbed a hand towel and turned back, unsure as to where to start.

He cursed himself for taking too long and turned Michael onto his back, pulling his right arm down and wrapping the towel around it, pressing hard. He wrapped it tightly and grabbed another towel, turning to the left arm.

"Michael, I'm so sorry!" He told him, his vision blurring as tears started falling despite his best efforts. "Please be okay, Michael, please!"

"L-Luke?" Michael groaned. Luke whipped around to look at him. He was so pale, more so than usual, and his lips were white. His eyes were wide.

"I'm here, babe, I'm here." Luke realized that the blood would dry to the towels and he unwrapped one arm and then wrapped it again, trying to slow the blood flow but worried that it would stick and then   tear the cuts more when they had to take it off. He repeated it on the other side. 

"Why are...you here?" Michael was struggling to speak and Luke cried harder, looking down at him.

"Michael, you can't do this! You can't leave us!"

"But..." Michael looked confused. "I'm supposed to."

"Michael, babe, why do you think that?" Luke cried. "Please-" he choked on a sob. 

"I love you," Michael breathed. "It- it hurts."

"I know, I know. Just-"

Michael's eyes slid shut and Luke panicked.

"No no no! Michael! _Stay with me_! Don't go to sleep!" Luke grabbed his shoulders, shaking him, but he didn't move. "I _love_ you godammit!"

He heard a siren in the distance and someone ran into the room calling his name.

"Luke? Luke!" It was Calum. Ashton was close behind him as they ran to the bathroom. Luke didn't look up to see their horrified faces.

"Michael!" He yelled again, hoping, praying that other boy would open his eyes. 

More people ran into the apartment as Luke realized that Michael wasn't going to open his eyes. He barely heard people talking as he leaned down and pulled Michael into his arms, cradling his head. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he told him, tears falling into Michael's hair as he pulled him to his chest.

Then hands were grabbing him, grabbing Michael, and pulling them apart, taking the other boy from him. He fought back, clinging to Michael with one hand and trying to push them away with the other. 

"No! No, don't take him!" He cried, unable to even see who was trying. 

"Luke! Stop!" It was Ashton. "He's still alive and they're trying to save him!" Ashton's arms went around him and he pulled him up. His words finally registered and Luke let go, following Ashton's lead and then burying his face in Calum's neck. He put his arms around Luke and Ashton put his arms around Calum and they huddled like that, three frightened little boys standing to the side as the paramedics fought to save Michael. They transported Michael soon after and Luke blacked out as soon as they left the room.

_______

Luke had woken up long enough to get to the hospital and then had cried himself to sleep in Ashton's arms. 

He woke up again a little while later and peered around blearily, sitting up. Ashton was asleep too but Calum was awake and he grasped Luke's hand when he saw him sit up.

"How is he?" Luke asked. His voice was raspy.

"Pretty bad," Calum said quietly. "He's still alive though. All we can do is wait."

"Have they said anything?"

"They've given him more blood and they stitched him up. They think that alone won't kill him."

"That alone?" Luke repeated.

Calum's eyes filled with tears suddenly and he blinked, letting go of Luke's hand to wipe his face. 

"He's lost too much weight too fast," Calum whispered, as if it was too hard to say it out loud. "He's bordering on anorexia. They had to put him to sleep to give him an IV for the dehydration."

The air rushed out of Luke in one breath and he slumped over, too tired to cry again.

"Anything else?" He asked hoarsely.

"He's covered in cuts and burns ranging from today back to months ago."

"I've been so blind," Luke said dully.

"We all have," Calum told him. "We all should have seen this."

"You were with Ashton!" Luke rounded on him. 

"Yes! And I ignored my two best mates!"

"You just found out that he loved you back!" Luke argued. 

"But I shouldn't have gotten so caught up," Calum insisted.

"I've been in love with Michael since forever and _I_ didn't even notice!" Luke exclaimed before realizing what he'd just said.

"You love him?" Calum asked, eyes wide. "I knew you liked him a lot, but..."

"I didn't realize it until recently." Luke looked down at his hands. "I don't know what I'll do if- if-"

Calum pulled him into a hug and they both cried, clinging to each other.

"He'll be okay," Calum said hoarsely. "He has to."


	14. The Aftermath

"He's going to make it," Calum relayed to Luke and Ashton. 

"Oh my god," Ashton threw his arms around Calum and breathed a sigh of relief. Luke sat down quickly, his head spinning.

 _Michael is going to live. Michael is going to be fine_. 

Except he wouldn't be fine, would he. 

"What's to say he won't try again?" Luke asked. His voice was hoarse from crying and dehydration and he felt like utter shit. 

"We're not going to let him," Ashton said firmly. "He's not even going to get the chance to try."

"Yeah," Calum agreed. "We'll sort it out. He can pick who but he's going to be staying with one of us whether he likes it or not."

Luke knew that Michael cooperating was improbable, but the realization that Michael wasn't going to die took an enormous weight from his shoulders and let the tears out again. Calum and Ashton sat on either side of him and put their arms around him, comforting him while he cried it out. 

"It's gonna be okay, Luke," Calum said after a while.

"It's not okay," Luke sniffled.

"Not now," Ashton agreed, "but it will be. Michael's going to get out of this hospital and we're going to talk some sense into him."

"Now," Calum said briskly, "the doctor said that we can see Michael if we go get cleaned up. He's not awake yet."

Luke looked down at his clothes and realized that they had dried blood on them. "I'm surprised they didn't kick me out," he said with a weak giggle. He had scrubbed the blood from his hands but forgotten about his clothes. 

"I think they make exceptions in emergencies," Calum said, standing and pulling Luke to his feet. Ashton followed suit and they headed out of the hospital.

_______

Luke had washed the blood from his hands hours ago, but he stripped down anyway and got into the shower, scrubbing himself as hard as he could. At the hospital he had been distracted by the mantra _please don't die, please don't die,_ but now that Michael wasn't going to die, he couldn't stop _seeing_ him. Bloody and wide eyed and sorrowful.

He'd looked up at Luke with those pleading green eyes and the pain in them wasn't from _physical_ pain. It was too deep for that. No, it was _emotional_ pain; and that hurt Luke more than anything. 

His hands were raw and red when he got out of the shower and dressed himself. His graceful fingers suddenly felt clumsy and wouldn't stop shaking as he tried to button his shirt. Halfway through he realized he'd buttoned it wrong and he almost screamed in frustration, stopping to breathe for a moment before unbuttoning it and starting all over again. 

He glanced in the mirror on his way out and saw that he was deathly pale. His eyes were red rimmed and underlined with purple, and he cringed. He didn't just feel like shit, he also looked like it. 

His mother was sitting in the kitchen and he stopped to give her a kiss on his way out the door. 

"Oh, honey..." She pulled him into a quick hug as she saw Calum and Ashton outside the door. "Tell me how he is when he wakes up."

"I will," Luke promised before turning and walking out the door. Liz watched him go sadly. 

_______

Michael looked so . . . _fragile_. He was still unconscious and his long eyelashes fanned over his cheeks. One of his thin- oh, so thin -arms was laying over the blanket, a black restraint around his wrist and an IV hooked up in his inner elbow. From the needle and down his arm was wrapped in bandages and Luke sat down in the chair by him, grasping a small white hand in his and running his fingertips over the gauze with his other hand. Calum and Ashton were silent also as they looked at their bandmate. His left arm was tucked under the sheets but Luke knew that it was worse- the bandages probably went up higher and there must be more stitches. 

" _Michael_ ," Luke choked on a sob and buried his face in the sheets, clutching Michael's hand as if he could somehow transfer the pain to himself. He knew without looking that the hand resting on his shoulder was Ashton's, he knew without looking that the hand rubbing his back was Calum's, and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that the motionless hand he was holding was his Michael's.

Luke wasn't sure how much time had passed, but it felt like only a few moments before a nurse came in and told them that they needed to leave so that they could check up on Michael. Luke stood on shaking legs and walked out the door, turning and looking at Michael one last time. 

Niall, Zayn, Harry, Liam, and Louis were in the waiting room when they came out, and Niall flew out of his seat, running to Luke and throwing his arms around him. Calum updated the boys as he'd been the one to speak with the various doctors, and Ashton piped up every once in a while to add a detail. Luke sat down and all of the boys within reach put a comforting hand on him for a moment. Zayn looked him in the eyes for a few moments before nodding and turning back to Calum. 

Ashton stood in front of Luke after a moment and handed him a familiar stack of letters. 

"I grabbed these for you when we dropped you off at your house," he said. "I don't know what's in them but they might help you understand."

"Thanks," Luke whispered, taking them. 

He picked up the first one again, reading it over carefully. As he made his way through each tear and bloodstained letter, he lost track of time and conversations around him, immersing himself in the part of Michael that no one had seen. 

_______

When Michael woke up it was dark, and his first though was _this wasn't part of the plan_. And then he wondered just what had happened. 

He managed to not panic until he tried to move his arm and realized that he was strapped down, that his arms _couldn't_ move. Then nausea hit him and he began to wonder what was _going_ to happen.

Who had found him? There was a high chance that it was Luke and Michael didn't want to think about that but he couldn't help it. He hadn't thought about that, hadn't realized that sensitive Luke might be the one to find Michael lying in a puddle of his own blood.

Then he remembered that Luke had indeed been the one to find him. He remembered Luke sobbing, trying to keep him alive. It was awful to remember and Michael only hated himself more. Why had Luke been _so_ upset? It didn't fit with Michael's view of himself and the world. Of _course_ Luke would find some reason to care about him. But it wasn't good for him and Michael needed to find a way to finish what he'd started as soon as possible. 

When he could move that is. He felt trapped and he pulled at the restraints, feeling them dig into his wrists. He felt a shock of pain and realized that he was breaking some of his stitches. Maybe he could bleed out after all. 

He tugged harder, feeling more give in the stitches underneath the bandages, and smiled faintly, an apology on his lips.

_______

"He woke up last night," the doctor -Doctor Stevens, Luke read- informed them. They'd been sent home to sleep and the One Direction boys had checked into a hotel, but they'd reappeared as soon as they were allowed to.

"And?" Harry asked, impatient as the doctor paused. 

"He reopened half of his cuts before a nurse checked in on him and found out. He was very unstable and we had to put him under again. He woke up again about an hour ago, but he's refused to see anyone."

Luke swayed a bit, feeling dizzy, and Zayn noticed immediately, grasping his arm and sitting him down. He sat by him and rubbed circles on his back, looking up at the doctor as they all waited to see what else he had to say.

"We stitched him back up and physically he'll be fine other than some nasty scars, but, while we believe that seeing people who love him would help him emotionally, he is over eighteen and we can't refuse his request. I'm sorry, but we can't let you see him."

Luke felt drained as the doctor walked away. All he could do was stare in the direction of Michael's room and think _what if, what if, what if_...

What if he'd told Michael he was in love with him as soon as he had found out? What if he'd seen Michael's pain sooner and talked to him about it? The entire year he had thought about Michael but he hadn't really _seen_ Michael. He was in love with Michael, godammit, and he should be in the hospital room right now, telling him that so he would know that he couldn't just _do_ things like this!

He remembered his own stack of letters that he had brought and he pulled them from his large coat pocket and stood up, looking for a doctor or nurse. He spotted a nurse and went up to her, clearing his throat. 

"How can I help you, hon?" She asked softly when she took in his appearance. 

"Can you give these to Michael Clifford?" He asked in a small voice. "He refused visitors but there are some things I- I need to tell him."

"I'll try my best but I can't guarantee that he'll take them," she told him. She took the letters, smiled encouragingly at him, and headed toward Michael's room. Luke's shoulders slumped as he felt a bit of relief and he went back to the boys. 

"I've asked them to let us know if Michael changes his mind or if anything happens, but for now let's head back to my house," Calum told them all. They all agreed tiredly and left the hospital. They were exhausted and worried, but none more so than Luke.

_______

A nurse entered the room and smiled at Michael, and he smiled back weakly. He may have failed to kill himself twice but he wasn't going to act like a douchebag. It only made her look sad, though, and he looked down at his hands. They had taken the restraints off but there was surveillance in the room and someone checked on him every five minutes. 

"There was a very upset looking boy in the waiting room," she said quietly. "He asked me to give you these."

Michael looked up and she handed him a stack of letters much like the ones he'd left in Luke's bedroom. Michael's heart ached and he took the letters, touching them lovingly. 

"Thank you," he said. He'd get to read them after all.

He carefully opened the first letter and read every word eagerly, reading it twice before moving on to the next. 

The nurse left after a moment and Michael found himself crying as he read, wondering if maybe he had almost made a terrible mistake.

_______

When Calum's house phone rang Ashton got up to answer it. The rest of them were sitting on the floor or couch and either staring into space or quietly discussing what they should do. Calum had asked if they should try to get Michael declared unstable so that they could keep an eye on him, because they knew that the minute he was out of the hospital, he would probably try to kill himself again. Luke almost burst into tears once more and Zayn had spent half an hour pressed firmly into his side when he realized that Luke really wanted physical contact to comfort him. 

"It's the hospital," Ashton said after a moment, and Luke shot to his feet as all the other boys whipped around to look at Ashton. It felt like forever as he listened and nodded to himself before he put the phone down. 

"Did he try again?" Louis asked worriedly.

"He wants to see Luke," Ashton told them, and they all turned to look at Luke. His face paled. 

"I- I need to go. _Now_." He brushed past Ashton and out the door and Calum hurried after him.

"I'll come with you and sit in the waiting room," he told him. 

"Thank you," Luke said distractedly. What did Michael want?

_______

There was a timid knock on the door before Luke edged into the room. The nurse saw him and stood, nodding to him.

"Just push that buzzer if you need anything," she told Luke. Michael knew she meant _if he tries anything._

The door shut firmly behind her and Michael swung his legs over the bed, sitting on the edge and dropping his hands in his lap. He looked up and took in Luke's appearance. 

"I'm sorry," he choked. 

"You should be," Luke said, his eyes filling with tears. " _God_ , Michael, I was so worried- still am worried! You almost died in my arms and there was blood everywhere-" he cut himself off with a sob. "I can't stop thinking about how close I came to losing you. Twice. How could you be so- so _blind_?"

"But you love me," Michael said. Luke stopped and looked at him. 

"And you love me," he said. Michael struggled to see through his own tears as he nodded. Luke knelt in front of him and wiped his eyes gently, looking up at him before wrapping his arms around him and laying his head in his lap. 

"Luke..."

"Don't ever do that to me again," Luke whispered.

"Okay," Michael whispered back, threading shaking fingers into Luke's hair. 

"Promise?" Luke asked him. 

Michael gave a wet laugh. "I read your letters, Luke. Everything I felt insecure about, everything I struggled with- you addressed them all without even knowing. You- did you mean every word you wrote?"

Luke pulled away and grasped both of Michael's hands in his own. "Every word," he said fervently. 

"And out of all the people in the word, I trust you most," Michael said. "And I'm- I'm willing to try if you are. To work out my problems and...be with you. I- if you want to. "

"God, _yes_!" Luke pulled Michael to his feet and hugged him tightly. "I'll do anything, just swear to me that you'll try."

"I swear," Michael said into his neck, clinging tightly to him. 

"I love you," Luke said, pulling away finally and looking him in the eyes. 

"I love you too," Michael said, and Luke leaned in, meeting his lips and kissing him softly. 

"Don't ever forget it," he said to him. "Because if you love me you'll love yourself."

"I love you," Michael repeated, and Luke smiled widely at him. 

"I need to tell the boys you're going to be fine," he said. 

"Yeah," said Michael, "I'm going to be fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I am possibly going to write a sequel about Muke's journey over the next year with the band and Michael's recovery and all that blah
> 
> ALSO! I need your opinions on a story idea. It's a 5sos and 1D Hogwarts AU where they're all related to Harry Potter characters I.e. Michael is Lupin and Tonks' kid instead of Teddy so he's Michael Lupin, etc  
> Comment and let me know what you think. I love you all! I hope that, if you're struggling with any of the problems mentioned in this story, that you will find someone to talk to about it because I know what it's like to have no one to talk to. Stay strong and know that you are beautiful in whatever you do!

**Author's Note:**

> So chapters 1-12 will be set up like this  
> 1\. Random event[s] during the month of the chapter's number  
> 2\. Michael's letter of the month to Luke  
> 3\. Luke's letter of the month to Michael
> 
> Enjoy! ^^  
> P.s. I know that Michael seems different in the letter than in real life- that's because he's gotten really good at faking feelings. It gets easier with practice.  
> Hopefully the other chapters will be longer!


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